Just Breathe

She was struggling to breathe, as I frantically called out to the doctors –  as soon as they saw her, they asked us to step out; there was no time to move her to the operation theatre, they had to intubate her right there. Were we losing her?

M was born five months ago. I always wanted a daughter and had even picked out a name soon after we conceived. We were in love with her and were excited about the new normal she was going to bring into our lives.

In the beginning we were overwhelmed and wondered what qualified us to be parents – how were we going to take care of this little person. When she cried, we didn’t know if she was hungry or wet or sleepy. And when she was sleeping, we would often check that her chest was moving, to confirm that she was breathing, as many new parents can confirm. But what was funny in the beginning, was soon to be our worst nightmare.

A month after she was born, M had a little difficulty when breathing; we thought it was a cold or the allergies, but it only got worse with time. Soon we were going through a battery of tests; she was hospitalized three times in as many months to stabilize her; but we still had nothing. Our little one was working hard for something that we take for granted and we were helpless.

This time we were admitted for a procedure to peek into her tiny respiratory tract. But before the procedure could take place, she developed an infection leading to severe respiratory distress. I still remember that day vividly, she’d had a tough night; the doctors were able to stabilise her only after pumping her with drugs. The next morning, she was struggling again, her respiratory tract was clamping up and that’s when they needed to put her on the ventilator, immediately.

She spent the next few days in the ICU, lying in a deep sleep brought on by the medication so that she didn’t feel any pain or discomfort. As we noticed her little chest move up and down, we knew it was the machines at work, and wondered when, if – she’d be able to breathe on her own again.

A few days later the doctors were considering a tracheotomy, to take her off the ventilator. To be told that drilling a hole into your child’s throat to let her breathe, is her best option – is the most unworthy, hopeless and gut-wrenching feeling a parent can ever go through. But we had to stay strong, for our little one, who was fighting the battle of her life.

And she did, she fought the infection, she got a little stronger every day, allowing them to slowly wean her off life support. The day she was taken off, we knew we had cheated death.

A month later when M was a little better, we went in for another scan and finally found what we had been looking for; M had a collection of many little haemangiomas - small, elevated blood vessels, around her respiratory tract that were constricting her breathing; but it came with good news,  it was treatable.

As she got better, we finally let ourselves enjoy the little pleasures, morning cuddles, seeing her laugh, cajoling her when she cried and watching her as she slept; but this time – without worrying if she could breathe.